The Extremely Dramatic but Otherwise Spoofy COver
by quite continental
Summary: Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings. Plot? None. Characters? Far too many. Idiocy? It reigns free. Hah! My knowledge (or lack thereof) of LoTR and HP shall now astound you all! Fear not. *UPDATED 05/06/03*
1. Introduction

Note from veggie: Ah. This is a brief introduction to a crossover fic b/w Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. It's been done before, right? Probably not. ...Okay, probably so, but...SHUT UP.  
The characters are as follows, along with short explanations:

**Harry = Frodo**  
For obvious reasons.

**Ron = Sam**  
Please don't tell me I need to explain this one.

**Neville = Gimli**  
Because Neville as Gimli is humorous. Plus, they are both buffoons.

**Draco = Legolas**  
Draco is a sex god. Legolas is a sex god. It is not necessary that I elaborate further.

**Hermione = Strider/Aragorn**  
My list of available male characters quickly runs dry.

**Fred = Merry** and **George = Pippin**  
Because Fred and George are twins, and because everybody gets Merry/Pippin confused as they are, apparently, interchangeable.

**Snape = Boromir**  
They share similar physical attributes--the hook nose, the perpetually oily hair.

**Dumbledore the Slightly Off-Colour** or **Grey = Gandalf the Grey** This one is far too easy. Is it secret? Is it safe?!

**McGonagall the Monochromatic = Sarumon **  
...Er, HAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAH

**Hagrid = Bilbo**  
I just want to see Hagrid in that little house.

**(A Rather Disembodied) Voldemort = Evil and Quite Distressing Eye of Sauron**  
Also for obvious reasons, namely the villanous nature.

**Trelawney = Galadriel**  
It would have been so much more fun to make Galadriel Mad-Eye Moody, but I guess Professor Trelawney fits the part better. Sigh.

**Crabbe = Elrond**  
My list of available _good_ characters quickly runs dry.

**Goyle = Arwen**  
Picture the Strider/Arwen scene from the movie. Now put Hermione/Goyle in their places. That, my friends, is true romance. Please note the thick coating of sarcasm that comes along with those past two sentences. The irony is spread upon them as caramel on a candy apple. That means it is very thick.

**Dobby = Gollum**  
They have the same sporadic speech pattern, and we _know_ Dobby is just screaming to be made into a sociopathic hobbit-type hybrid creature that dwells underground. ...Isn't he?

**Death Eaters = Ringwraiths/Nazgul**  
DUH.

**Argus Filch = Creepy Gatekeeper of Bree**  
Well, they are both creepy.

If there are any other characters that you believe lack clarification, please review and tell me that I am a barbaric fool, deserving only to be dipped in boiling oil and then to have my skin slowly flayed from my body. This is not a ploy to get reviews. It is done purely because I have your best interests at heart.

Now, dear readers, you must be thinking that, to write a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings crossover fic, one must command a great knowledge of both the Harry Potter Universe and that of Lord of the Rings. Wrong again! I do not claim to hold any superior knowledge about either series. In fact, if you pulled a common penguin from the streets, it would probably receive better marks than I on a multiple choice quiz based on both series.

However, I, being the selfish, haughty writer that I am, have decided to do something about the obvious lack of Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings crossover parody.

I cannot guarantee that I will be any good at it, but I will give it my best shot.


	2. Chapter 1: Much Ado About Nothing

Note from veggie: First off, I added more characters (look in the first chapter) that I had forgotten because I am a hapless fool, blundering about in places that no mortal should visit, such as my grandmother's nursing home. Evil people reside there.

**EXT. LARGE, OPEN BATTLEFIELD, WHERE MANY CREATURES ARE DYING IN AGONY. TRELAWNEY's voice narrates calmly over the fray.**

TRELAWNEY: Once upon a time, long, long ago, but not in a galaxy far away, terror reigned free. Deep within his secret Evil Hat-Making Factory, the Dark Lord Voldemort sewed hats of pure malevolence.

The hats were unlike any other. Cruel, twisted, conniving hats they were. Voldemort gave three evil hats to the three elven kings, who desired nothing more than to be beautiful, and hats were a popular fashion accessory in those days. Seven evil hats hats he gave to the dwarf lords, who wished to protect their ears from the burning heat of their forges. And nine...nine evil hats he gave to the race of men, who just really, really liked hats.

Then, in the lands of Mordor, Voldemort sewed the most beastly hat of them all--One Hat to rule them all.

**FX: BATTLE SCENE DISAPPEARS IN CLOUD OF FLAME AND SMOKE, ONLY TO BE REPLACED BY ANOTHER THAT LOOKS STRIKINGLY SIMLIAR. TRELAWNEY's voice continues to drone on.**

TRELAWNEY: Soon after Voldemort distributed his wicked hats of depravity, horrible ugly battles began to rage across Middle-Earth. Finally, though, in the last battle, a mortal man stood against Voldemort. He muttered a curse against the One Hat, and Voldemort was banished.

**FX: EXTREMELY OUT OF PLACE FANFARE.**

TRELAWNEY: Then, the mortal, captured by the One Hat's beauty, went against the better advice of this elf named Crabbe, and wore the hat. He was killed, and the One Hat was lost for ages, until a small, ungainly creature named Dobby found it and coveted it, taking it into his underground cave. Never again, Dobby thought, would the One Hat see the light of day.

Then Harry's not-really-relative, Hagrid, got the Hat and escaped from Dobby's clutches by confusing him with his horrible accent, and that's where our story actually begins.

**EXT. VIEW OF THE SHIRE FROM ABOVE. TWINKLY MUSIC IS PLAYED. HARRY IS SITTING IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE A HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION, READING A BOOK. WE THINK THE BOOK IS UPSIDE-DOWN.  
HARRY looks up and sees a cart coming down the road. He jumps up.**

HARRY: Dumbledore! Oh, how I've longed to see you!

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, my boy! Get into this non-magical cart contraption. I'm going to see Hagrid!

**HARRY jumps into the cart and they ride away.**

DUMBLEDORE: You seemed a lot taller last time I saw you, Harry.

HARRY: Yeah, they had to amputate part of my legs for this mov--

DUMBLEDORE: Well, isn't that nice.

**DUMBLEDORE smiles serenely. His eyes look slightly glazed over. HARRY stares at DUMBLEDORE nervously out of the corner of his eyes.**

HARRY: Er, yeah.

**DUMBLEDORE quickly swerves the cart to avoid hitting lots of small hobbit children. HARRY screams and clutches the sides of his seat.**

HARRY: [Still looking rather panicked] Maybe I'll just pop off now. Thanks for the ride, Dumbledore.

**HARRY shakily gets off the cart and glances behind him, worried.**

DUMBLEDORE: Well, isn't that nice!

**DUMBLEDORE tips his hat at HARRY and continues to ride down the road. After much more twinkly music and useless footage of the cart rolling along, DUMBLEDORE arrives at HAGRID's curiously small house. He knocks on the door.**

HAGRID opens the door from the inside, bumping his head on many things. DUMBLEDORE laughs.

DUMBLEDORE: Why, Hagrid, I thought that you would have gotten a bigger house by now!

**HAGRID mumbles something unintelligible. DUMBLEDORE enters the house with no problems, but HAGRID continues to fumble around and knock into things. There is a touching scene between HAGRIDand DUMBLEDORE, but since DUMBLEDORE is senile, and HAGRID has a horrible accent, it was cut out of the movie.**

_SCENE CHANGE: HAGRID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY._

**FX: MORE TWINKLY MUSIC, ALTHOUGH PERHAPS THIS MUSIC IS A BIT MORE MERRY. RON approaches HARRY, sitting down next to him, as the HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS begins to scream in a loud chorus.**

HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS: Speech! Speech!

**HAGRID stands up in front of everyone, and mumbles something about food, drink, merriment, and how he hates them all. The HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS agrees, and they raise their glasses.**

HAGRID: Now ah've got te leave yeh all! Ah'm going now. G'bye!

**HAGRID puts a very small hat on his very large head and promptly disappears. The HUGE MOB OF HOBBITS starts to run around frantically, bumping into things. HARRY jumps up as well, running around aimlessly. RON, his trusty sidekick, follows close behind.**

Note from veggie: Hmm. I didn't spell check this because I'm lazy. Humor me. And feel free to IM me on AOL/AIM (my screenname is veggie376) with compliments or SCATHING INSULTS. 


	3. Chapter 2: Booga, for Lack of a Better N...

Note from veggie: Hmm. I'm surprised at the lack of people reviewing the last chapter just to say "hi ur story sucks wright a better 1 one cuzz u cant rite for nothing word up yo bye." The human race continues to amaze me with its growing lack of grammatical skills. What would you do without me? Your brains would probably ignite in a blazing inferno, which would result in a lot of pain, not to mention that it would probably have bad side-effects.

I mean, uh..._other_ bad side-effects. Yeah.

~*~*~*~

_SCENE: HAGRID'S HOUSE._

DUMBLEDORE: (frowning) I suppose you think that was funny, Hagrid.

HAGRID: Well, actually--

**DUMBLEDORE's eyes glaze over and he starts to giggle.**

DUMBLEDORE: It was!

**HAGRID stares at him. He stands up and brushes off his rather large trousers and stuffs the One Hat in his pocket, still eyeing DUMBLEDORE warily.**

HAGRID: Well, ah'm off.

DUMBLEDORE: Hee hee!

**HAGRID begins to gather his things.**

HAGRID: Aye, tell Harry...

**The rest is lost in a slur of Horrible Accent as HAGRID continues to pack. DUMBLEDORE suddenly loses his sporadic senility and he frowns.**

DUMBLEDORE: Hagrid, don't you think you should leave the Hat here? It will be of no use to you where you are going. The elves would not like you to bring it...

HAGRID: I...s'pose...

**Without taking the Hat out of his pocket, HAGRID grabs an abnormally large walking stick from a huge pile of oversized lumber. He begins to leave.**

DUMBLEDORE: Hagrid...you are forgetting...

**HAGRID drops the One Hat on the floor and DUMBLEDORE nods decisively and then starts to giggle again. HAGRID bids him farewell and walks out the door, hitting his head on the chandelier, ceiling, and the top of the door as he leaves.**

Only scant seconds later, but obviously long enough for HAGRID to be roughly four miles away, HARRY arrives, looking worried.

HARRY: Dumbledore?

**DUMBLEDORE sits and stares at the fire. His eyes are, again, glassy. HARRY picks up the One Hat, which was discarded on the floor by Hagrid a few moments ago (Hagrid is 13.7 miles away at this time).**

HARRY: (forlornly) He's gone, isn't he?

**DUMBLEDORE snaps out of his trance.**

DUMBLEDORE: Hmm? Oh, yes, he left about 28 seconds ago.

**HARRY stares at him.**

HARRY: Oh. What's this?

DUMBLEDORE: (hissing) Hcccaaahhh!

HARRY: ...Oh.

**DUMBLEDORE starts to pace around the room. There is a hugely long scene where DUMBLEDORE explains about VOLDEMORT to HARRY, but since the author is lazy, it was cut out of the movie. Besides, everyone knows what happens anyway.**

DUMBLEDORE: And that is why--

**There is a shuffling noise outside of the window.**

DUMBLEDORE: What's this?

**DUMBLEDORE reaches out the window and manages to lift up RON, who was hiding in the bushes outside the window. DUMBLEDORE, although he is frail, also succeeds in flinging RON, not only through the window, but also onto a table that is behind him. What a strong old man.**

DUMBLEDORE: Were you eavesdropping, young Ronwise?

**RON ("RONWISE") stares at DUMBLEDORE, frightened.**

RON: I would drop no eaves, sir!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, okay, then.

**DUMBLEDORE releases RON.**

DUMBLEDORE: However, now that you have heard the tale of the Dark Lord Voldemort, you must never leave Harry's side.

**To DUMBLEDORE's surprise, RON doesn't look upset at all. In fact...are those hearts in his eyes?**

DUMBLEDORE: (frowning in disapproval of Ron's out of place happiness) You must also accompany him to Mount Doom.

**RON begins to cry.**

HARRY: Er...

**HARRY awkwardly tries to comfort the weeping RON by patting him on the back.**

DUMBLEDORE: Well, then, we have no time! I will go away to see the head of my order, Minerva the Monochromatic. She will surely know what to do! I will meet you at the Prancing Pony in Bree, or so I say. Now off with you!

**DUMBLEDORE pushes the half-packed HARRY and RON out the door.**

HARRY: But Dumbledore, we haven't finished packing--we've got no food--

DUMBLEDORE: Isn't that nice!

**DUMBLEDORE continues to shove them along, deaf to their protests.**

~*~*~*~

Note from veggie: Sooo bored. Easter break, NOTHING TO DO. I started a Companions of the Night (book by Vivian Vande Velde) fic that I'm working on, and I'm doing this, and my actual Harry Potter fic (Doomsend) and a fic for Audrey. So much to do, but I have no motivation. Igh. And then I have a fic to work on for my site, and then a Princess Mononoke one, and then...GAH! *head explodes* 


	4. Chapter 3: A-Questing We Will Go

Note from veggie: First I shall take a quick detour from the fic (a.k.a. procrastinate) to clear some things up with my loyal fans. Or readers. Whatever.

**gail**: My People prefer the term "mentally alienated." It's a touchy subject.

**Earthygirl87i**: I know.

**Shelob**: We are never to speak again. I mean...thank you for your input, as it has helped me greatly in my endeavors to relieve the world of strife.

**Lady Arra**: What the hell is YWS/S? Do not try to confuse me, as it will only result in pure madness.

**greeneyes-blackleather**: ^_^

**Ravenclaw42**: I must say that I am somewhat distressed that you've gotten in trouble because of me. At least it's because you were laughing, and not because you were screaming in terror at the horrible writing.

**groonie**: I adore you, as always.

**EVERYONE ELSE**: ...Spaghetti is good for the brain. Salami is a funny word. Broccoli.

I hope this has aided you in the understanding of my vast--oo, TV...

~*~*~*~

**HARRY and RON(WISE) travel out of the Shire. HARRY seems a bit disheartened, but RON is fairly jubilant.**

RON: Isn't this wonderful, Harry? Just the two of us, alone on a trek!

HARRY: Yes, it's wonder--

RON: I can't believe how lucky I am, just be going to such far away places with you! We'll get to see the elves and I've heard they have lovely songs and I'm sure they have great food and Harry you know that I love eat and I love to sing and--oof!

**FRED and GEORGE suddenly fall upon HARRY and RON.**

HARRY: Fred, you rapscallion! What are you doing here?

FRED: Well, we've just stolen some crops from the formidable farmer and now he's chasing us with a pitchfork!

GEORGE: Hee! Isn't that wonderful?

HARRY: Yes, it's wonder--

FRED: Well, up and at 'em! Time to go!

**FRED helps HARRY up and GEORGE assists RON. They all rush away from the telltale top of the pitchfork that waves at them from above the cornstalks.**

RON: Why's the farmer so mad at you?

GEORGE: Well, we _did_ steal almost his entire supply of food and, because of our constant thievery, his family's going to starve!

FRED: Hee!

**Suddenly they all tumble down a rather large, but unnoticed embankment and land facefirst on road.**

FRED and GEORGE: Hee!

HARRY and RON: Owww...

**As FRED, GEORGE, and RON gather up all the dropped vegetables, HARRY stares apprehensively at the road. The trees start to sway, and, because HARRY happened to fall into a pile of mushrooms, we have cause to wonder if he is only hallucinating.**

HARRY: Get off the road!

**Comically, FRED, GEORGE, RON, and HARRY stumble off the road and hide under a tree root. There is a _whoosh_ing sound that is reminescant of Darth Vader's asthmatic breathing.**

Death Eater #1: (raspy breathing as he sniffs around for the ring) Kkkkkkk-pssshhh...Kkkkkkk-pssshhh...

GEORGE: (whispering) We're all going to die!

**HARRY reaches for the One Hat in his pocket.**

HARRY: The Hat...would be so beautiful upon my head...

**HARRY reaches into his pocket.**

**FRED reaches over HARRY's chest, smacking his arm away from his pocket. He grabs a rutabega from RONWISE's vest pocket and throws it. The DEATH EATER runs away, his breathing still labored.**

RON: Whew! That was close!

HARRY: Yeah, that was pretty--

**RON grabs HARRY's hand and yanks him up his feet, skipping and dragging the older Hobbit along next to him.**

RON: Oh, a-questing we will go, a-questing we will go! Down the lane we'll go insane and a-questing we will go!

HARRY: Did you make that up yourself?

RON: Yes.

HARRY: I can tell.

RON: (oblivious) Why, thank you!

HARRY: No prob.

GEORGE: (whiny) I wanted that rutabega.

FRED: Hee!

GEORGE: ...Hee!

RON: Okay, second verse! Oh, a-questing... (continues)

HARRY: Oh, God. 


	5. Chapter 4: I Might be a Bit Sloshed

**Note from veggie**: OH MY GOD, A NEW CHAPTER?! Gasp! Shock! More shock! Reviews are a girl's best friend. Not diamonds. Don't listen to Marilyn Monroe and Nicole Kidman. LIES, ALL LIES. Er, I am sorry for taking so long. Like, um, A YEAR. Oh yes.

~*~*~*~

_SCENE: PRETTY DIRT ROADS AND EXPANSIVE GRASSLANDS THAT LIE SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND._

**DUMBLEDORE rides to HOGWARTS at great speeds.**

**FX: What horse-riding scene would be complete without DRAMATIC FANFARE?**

MINERVA (THE MONOCHROMATIC) narrates for a moment. Or maybe she is just talking to DUMBLEDORE. It's hard to tell.

MINERVA: England and Scotland and Ireland and stuff are in a time of trouble and Dumbledore the Slightly Off-Colour--er, Grey--rides to me...very, very quickly. He is troubled about his young hobbit companion. Is this not why you have come to me, my old friend?

DUMBLEDORE: Not as old as you.

MINERVA: Please allow me to kick your arse with my Staff of Magical Wicked-Coolness.

DUMBLEDORE: Back, old hag! I shall wield my Staff of Staffity Good against you!

**MINERVA proceeds to hand DUMBLEDORE his arse in a shocking display of kung-fu mixed with break dancing. DUMBLEDORE looks slightly shocked, not to mention bloody and gross.**

DUMBLEDORE: I didn't know you had such mad skills.

MINERVA: Did I mention that I'm evil? You must have missed the memo.

**SCENE: SOMEWHERE ELSE IN ENGLAND, WHERE HARRY, RON, FRED, AND GEORGE ARE TRAIPSING ABOUT IDIOTICALLY. HARRY IS TRYING HIS DAMNEDEST NOT TO SCREAM.**

GEORGE: I wonder who made us lose that rutabega.

FRED: He was a wanker, either way.

RON: Cheers!

FRED and GEORGE: Hee!

**HARRY finally gives in and screams. Immediately (in fact, almost simultaneously), the heinously painful screeches of the DEATH EATERS are heard.**

FX: Some overdramatic pipe organ chords. Maybe PHANTOM OF THE OPERA was playing during filming and the sound got spliced in.

**RON starts to cry. Again.**

FRED: Obviously, the only way to escape the Clutches of Evil is to flee across the English Channel to the small, merry, and oftentimes inebriated town of Bree! Everyone knows that evil hates water!

HARRY: (nervously) Doesn't evil love drunken revelry, though?

GEORGE: Well, yes. But it hates water more!

HARRY: (weakly) Oh.

**DEATH EATERS suddenly appear, although their screams sounded from miles away only a few moments ago.**

RON, HARRY, and GEORGE: Eeeee!

FRED: Quick! To the rickety raft thing! I mean the ferry!

**They follow FRED's suggestion. HARRY stops to tie his shoe and lags behind in a key dramatic moment.**

**FX: SCARY MUSIC coupled with the nearly-intimidating-but-not-quite HISSING of the DEATH EATERS.**

HARRY: (wailing) I want my mum!

RON: (wailing) I want my Gaffer!

FRED: (screaming) I want you to get on the boat!

**GEORGE's next words are lost in the screaming of HARRY, RON, and FRED.**

GEORGE: Is it bad that I just soiled myself?

**HARRY leaps onto the boat. This, of course, is extra-important and requires...**

FX: SUSPENSEFULLY ORCHESTRATED MUSIC.

DEATH EATERS: Hiss! Spit! Hchakkk-pshhhhh! (hissing noises)

_SCENE CHANGE: TIME PASSES AND FRED, GEORGE, HARRY, AND RON FIND THEIR WAY TO THE AFOREMENTIONED SMALL, MERRY, AND OFTENTIMES INEBRIATED TOWN OF BREE._

HARRY: So we're in Bree now.

RON: That didn't take long.

FRED: Can it, Ronwise! We have to deal with Argus Filch, the notoriously creepy and smelly gatekeeper of Bree!

FILCH: Arrr. I'm creepy. What be your business in these parts? You look to short to be from around here. That's suspicious.

HARRY: Our business is our own! As is our height!

FILCH: Arrr, well then. I guess you can come in.

**Despite Fred's assurances that Bree is a merry place, it looks dark and creepy. Very dark, in fact, and very creepy.**

FRED: Isn't this lovely? Let's go get smashed.

GEORGE: Yes, let's.

HARRY: Ah, the Inn of the Frolicksome Yeti! Just as Dumbledore described!

FRED: Can we get smashed here?

**They enter THE INN OF THE FROLICKSOME YETI. It is equally dark and creepy as the rest of BREE.**

FRED: I have drunk but three sips of this delicious mead, but with my small, hobbit body, I have become completely wasted! (screaming) Harry Potter is sitting at my table!

HARRY: No!

**HARRY trips on the same shoelace he tied before getting on the ferry, with the same dark import of most his movements. Magically, the ONE HAT flies out of his pocket and finds its way onto his head.**

**There is a collective gasp.**

**HARRY sees VOLDEMORT's creepy red eyes amidst the creepy mist in which he finds himself, and yanks the ONE HAT from his head.**

**Far away, the DEATH EATERS screech. Again.**

**All the PATRONS in THE INN OF THE FROLICKSOME YETI have forgotten about his strange disappearance and have already turned back to their drinks. Huh.**

HARRY: Well, that was weird.

FRED: Sorry, Harry. I'm drunk, you know.

HARRY: I think you're just stupid, actually.

FRED: Well, that would make more sense.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: I am shrouded in dark clothing and I am making you my prisoner!

**The MYSTERIOUS STRANGER grabs HARRY by his collar and yanks him away. FRED stares dumbly after them before returning to the table where RON and GEORGE still sit. **


End file.
